Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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