Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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