i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
