I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
