Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He felt like a one man threesome
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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