Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
