just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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