Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
