WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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