Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
