Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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