I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
