I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
