My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
