dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
