I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
