just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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