somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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