Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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