Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
