Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
