I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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