My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
3pm strippers are depressing
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
If I had your ass I would rule the world
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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