How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
