I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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