The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
