You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
