Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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