There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
