This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
