he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
