Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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