Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Just cropdusted the office
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
