i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
