shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
