Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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