Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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