Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
