my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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