I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
