Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
