i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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