Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Let's get the cat blown out
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