I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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