I only kidnapped one of them. chill
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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