Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
