it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
