I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
