I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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