i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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