I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize