she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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