Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
You left your phone here
Wait...
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
