mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Randomize
