ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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