I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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