I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
