Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize