Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
