I love black thongs
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize